When To Say “I Love ¿ou”

First, you must fast for twelve days and twelve nights. On the
twelveth night, which coincides with the full moon, split open the
throat of a fatten goat and offer its blood to the gods. Say your
prayer, so you may become pious. But beware, say nothing of your love.

Then you must write a poem. It should be badly rhymed. It should
contain two or three words you didn’t know before, and allusions to
Greek Goddesses whose names you don’t know how to pronounce. The poem
should talk about how beautiful flowers and birds are. But beware, say
nothing of your love.

Then you must burn your poem, because it’s badly written.

Then you must perform five acts of profound kindness. One to your
brother (if you don’t have a brother, a sister will have to do. But
she must be at least 2 years older than you), one to a dog chasing
after a cat, one to a crying child, one to the first hippie you met,
and finally, one to yourself.

Then you must say “Mrs. misses mississippi eases and eats greased
geese cheese freezes”, forward and backward, with a ping pong ball in
your mouth, twelve times each in Japanese, Russian, and Dutch.
This sharpens your rhetoric, so your tongue would not grow thick from
nervousness.

Then you must meditate on the Universe.

When you have become pure light, when you are ready to say “I love
you”, only the last step remains.

Find a girl you at least minimally like.